Learn how to clear obstacles to What YOU Want by spotting Unconscious Foreign Obstacles℠ (UFOs℠) with AweLove Listening℠ techniques of Curiosity, Approval & Attention.
First, it’s important to understand…
You can have exactly What YOU Want. Yes, it is possible. Yes, you can have it. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes… yes… YES! Seriously. Yes.
So what’s stopping you? …so far.
Why is it we sometimes can’t seem to achieve the things we really want? It can be really baffling, I know. Yet when we understand a few simple concepts and allow ourselves to accept a few simple truths, we really can get the things we want.
First let’s look at a few concepts…
95% of your behaviors are OUTSIDE of your Direct Control.
Neuroscientists have proven that almost all of your decisions, actions, emotions and behaviors are driven from the 95 percent of brain activity that is outside of your conscious awareness, which means that 95 to 99 percent of your life comes from the programming in your subconscious mind. Programming that You DID NOT put there.
So that means…
We’re on Autopilot 95% of the time.
But at least we have the other 5% right?…
Sorry, but, no…
The Conscious Mind (5%) is also called “The Critical Mind” and it’s job is to maintain the “Status Quo.”
Meaning, keep everything the same.
“GREAT! So we’re screwed?!!” ~ you might be thinking.
Actually we’re not screwed…
because we can adjust the Subconscious mind (the 95%).
If we know what we are looking for, how to look and what to do.
First, let’s look at common unconscious obstacles (blocks)… to what you want.
What is Unconsciously Stopping YOU…
Here are three of the most common unconscious obstacles that stop us from getting what we want.
FEAR & AVOIDING
Sometimes we have unconscious fears that prevent us from having the things we say we want.
First of all, fears are not real.
F = False
E = Evidence
A = Appearing
R = Real
Fear of failure.
Fear of getting hurt.
Fear of being judged.
* fear can be a very powerful motivator.
Limiting beliefs are those which constrain us in some way. Just by believing them, we do not think, do or say the things that they inhibit. And in doing so we impoverish our lives. We may have beliefs about rights, duties, abilities, permissions and so on.
I’m not good enough.
I’m too old. / I’m too young.
Rich people are bad.
Money is evil.
*basically any preconceived judgement, can be limiting.
Secondary Gain is where an apparently negative or problematic behavior actually provides a positive or beneficial end result in some way.
Smoking may help a person to relax or interact socially with a particular group of people.
A person says they want to lose weight but by remaining heavy, they avoid relationships and (here’s the key) getting hurt again.
I like to refer to these as Unconscious Foreign Obstacles℠ (UFOs℠ for short).
More often than not (if not always), these Unconscious Obstacles were put there by someone else – like a parent, family member or society as a whole. So I call it foreign, meaning not from you.
It can be very difficult to spot our own Unconscious Foreign Obstacles and that is why we need someone else to spot them for us. Or better yet, several someones. (HINT: this is what we do in the Conscious Coaching Collective.)
How do we spot these UFOs?
If you learn to listen, in a very specific way, people will flat out tell you EXACTLY what their Unconscious Foreign Obstacles are.
Learn & practice AweLove Listening℠ and listen with…
Listen and ask questions with the curiosity of a child. Be fascinated and intrigued by the beautiful person sitting right in front of you.
Put your hand on your heart and tilt your head slightly. This physiological shift will trigger more compassion and put you in touch with your heart. Use statements like:
I’m curious if _____.
Have you considered ______.
I wonder if ______.
100% LOVING APPROVAL
Listen and ask questions with love and compassion for the person sitting right in front of you. From this place, the person can open up and get vulnerable.
See the person as whole and complete (not broken) just as they are. From this place we are not pushing against where the person is at or has been – or even where they might want to go. Give lots of affirming statements like: great, awesome or ok (with a head nod).
100% FOCUSED ATTENTION
Keep ALL of your attention on the person exploring. We want to really notice them, we want to really pay attention.
Eye contact is best however if that is getting too intense for them (you’ll know because they’ll look away a lot) you can soften your gaze and/or look off to the side. However we still continue to give the person all of our attention.
*99% attention gets you 0% results – so PAY Attention.
Don’t listen with…
DISINTEREST / AN AGENDA
Trust me, people feel you, people know when you’re not interested in what they are saying.
– Waiting for your turn to speak.
– Trying to PROVE your point.
– The person asks, “are you even listening to me?”
DIS-APPROVAL / JUDGEMENT
Trust me, people know when you are in disapproval of them or you are passing judgement on them.
We want people to OPEN UP not shut down more.
– Flat out saying you disagree / disapprove.
– Body physiology like: holding mouth open, or arms crossed.
(again) Trust me, people know when you’re paying attention to them and when you’re not. It’s obvious.
– You need them to keep repeating what they are saying.
– You keep breaking the train of conversation.
– You keep interupting.
People will not open up and get vulnerable if you’re: half listening, disinterested or have judgement about what they are saying. It’s just how things work.
Ooo… I see a UFO, now what?
AWEsome! Great work. Now remember, this is not about you. This is about the person with the UFO. Stay calm. Stay curious. Be patient. Think of it like sneaking up on a field mouse. No sudden movements. Don’t let it know you see it. We’re going to offer suggestions with these things in mind…
Offer CEC-ing Suggestions℠ and be…
*CEC – pronounced like “SEEK” (/sēk/)
1. (of a person, action, or manner) not showing or feeling nervousness, anger, or other emotions.
2. freedom from motion or disturbance; stillness.
1. of, relating to, or characterized by empathy, the psychological identification with the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of others.
Empathy is putting yourself in the shoes of another / seeing yourself in others.
1. eager to learn or know; inquisitive.
When we remain curious we show interest & love towards another human being. And that allows the other person to recieve information opposed to rejecting it.
When we offer suggestions in a “CEC-ing” way, people can actually receive the information.
Non Verbal’s of CEC-ing: put one hand on your heart and the other, palms up, towards the person you are speaking to.
Don’t offer your A.S.S. (keep your A.S.S. out of it.)
1. an opinion or recommendation offered as a guide to action, conduct, etc.
Advice often includes: scolding, warning, caution, urging, persuasion, force and fear. All things that tend to close a person off to actually receiving information.
What we want to do instead, is offer loving suggestions – without personal attachment.
1. feeling compassion, sorrow, or pity for the hardships that another person encounters
We do not offer feelings of pity or sorrow for someone else’s situation.
Because when we do this, we see the person as “less than” capable or “broken” in some way.
What we want to do instead, is empower the other person.
3. personal interest
9. myself, himself, herself…
Respectfully, please keep your “SELF” out of it. This is not about you. This is about the other person.
You’re AWEsome! You are! And for this purpose we need to keep “YOU” out of your suggestions.
This is no place for: self-interested, self-indulgent and self-important comments or suggestions.
When we offer Calm, Empathic & Curious (CEC) Suggestions and keep our Advice, Sympathy & Self out of it – we actually allow the other person to receive the information we are attempting to deliver.
How we KNOW when a UFO is “HIT”?
You’ll experience one (or two) of the following:
We’ll feel it in our body, like a deep inward feelings rather than with our intellect. Another way of saying this is that the feeling would come from a strong emotion and not from logic or reason. This can be a deep sinking feeling in our gut or a deep sadness that feels heavy in our throat or the whole gamut of strong emotions coupled with a powerful body sensation.
Sometimes we’ll just feel something leave our bodies, that is difficult to describe yet somehow we just know – it’s gone. Meaning whatever was in the way before, has left our system.
Aha Moment / Epiphany
You’ll have “a moment” when you suddenly see or understand something in a new or very clear way.
SUDDEN Confusion or Anger
You may SUDDENLY get confused, or sleepy or even angry. This is more common when we “graze” the Unconscious Foreign Obstacle, opposed to a direct hit. This is actually one of the ways a UFO remains hidden from your conscious awareness.
If you SUDDENLY FEEL Sleepy, Confused or Angry, when someone is talking with you – it’s time to get very very curious about what just got touched inside of you.
This is actually a very good thing… and nothing to be afraid of.
Sometimes at this point, a UFO “HIT” is all that is needed. And sometimes more work is needed.
Sometimes just by NOTICING an Unconscious Obstacle, it’s enough to clear it immediately or within a very short period of time. And sometimes additional work may be needed to “clear it”. The important thing is that the UFO is not operating in the shadows anymore and it’s just a matter of time before it will be cleared.
It’s important to note…
We DO need to clear all of our major obstacles to Get What We Want. …it’s just how this stuff works.
…and isn’t it AWEsome to have a strategy for clearing this stuff?!!
…and Getting What We Want!!!
YES! I’m Interested!
Want to know more and/or put this stuff into practice?
Come join us…
This stuff is exactly what we put into practice at the Conscious Coaching Collective, click here to see when the next C3 is happening. Or if you prefer, you can request private coaching in person or via skype. You’re AWEsome & we LOVE U!